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Friday, February 04, 2005

VARIOUS & SATURDAY 

COUNT 'EM ON ONE UNGLOVED HAND

Michael Jackson is pictured here answering a reporter's question, "How many Jesus Juices does it take to get a ten year old sloshed?"


FAMILY VALUES-ABU GHRAIB STYLE

Hey, James Dobson! Take a moment to untwist your panties over Sponge Bob Square Pants and answer me this.

How come we never see stories like this about gay couples and their children? These two must be big fans of Alberto Gonzales. Speaking of which.....


TORQUEMADA GONZALES

New Attorney General and Chief Torture Advocate Alberto Gonzales, told the Justice Department that their priority would remain combatting terrorism "but we will do so in a way that's consistent with our values."

Gonzales also annnounced that Halliburton has won a no bid contract for thumb screws and iron maidens and that he would be submitting a brief to the Supreme Court recommending auto de fe as a sentencing option for librarians who knowingly lend the Federalist Papers to minors.

After hearing the AG's speech to DOJ employees, a spokesman for Union of Concerned White Collar Criminals made the following statement, "It 's a great day for business as usual".

MOMMY, DADDY!! COME LOOK!!

I've been trying to put my finger on the smirk George II has affected since winning the election and I think I've finally got it. It reminds me of a two year old who has just managed to go poopy in the toilet and is so proud of himself that he is about to ruin the moment by peeing his pants.

This makes perfect sense when you consider less than 20 years ago our president was on the road to nowhere, gin soaked and cocaine tweaked with seemingly no chance in hell of living up to (much less surpassing) his father's accomplishments.

After four years of spinning the fabric of failure into the Emperor's New Clothes, he shamelessly paraded across America bedazzling the true believers into surrendering their vote and bestowing him with another term. Hell, its amazing he doesn't burst out laughing every half hour.


LOVE, TEXAS STYLE

Another heterosexual example of the sanctity of marriage.







Sunday, January 30, 2005

NO GLOATING ZONE 

In Iraq, Puff Daddy’s “Vote and Possibly Die Trying” campaign seems to have mustered a better turnout than his efforts in the US. It's heartening to know that millions of Iraqis openly defied the threat of murder to cast a ballot; too bad a generation of slacker American's couldn't make a similar effort (in complete safety) to defy their own forthcoming Selective Service Inductment.

But before the Bush Administration spins the large turnout into a glorious justification for its policy of democratization via invasion, (What’s that you say, it already has?) we should proceed with extreme caution. The results are not in and what happens after winners and losers are declared will be the true test of whether the political abstraction that is democracy has been properly conveyed and understood in a country that is less a nation than a loose confederation of ancient tribal and religious enmities lying in wait for the next opportunity to declare foul and take revenge.

The winners from Sunday’s election are key. Their enthusiasm or reluctance to reach out to those they have defeated will set the tone. Given that voting will almost certainly follow tribal and religious loyalties, it will be imperative that those elected to power quickly and sufficiently quell the fears and anxieties of minorities who are most likely thinking historically i.e., reprisal or oppression as a consequence of defeat.

If the victors fail in this task, democracy will be seen as a sham, ancient hostilities will erupt and the insurgents will have a new base from which to recruit. There will be no chance to recoup from such a blunder and the consequences are grim.

WHO DRESSED DICK? 

Dick Cheney certainly is.

For those holding out hope he was could possibly be anything but the self righteous, imperial attack dog of the Republican elite, his sartorial display at this weeks 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz should put that notion to rest.

Looking like a cheese-head at a Green Bay Packer playoff game in January, Cheney gave further credence to the world’s fears of a unilateral America by attending the solemn event in a green parka with a white fur lined hood and a black wool sock cap that contrasted with the formal attire of dress coats and hats worn by the other dignitaries in attendance. All he needed to complete the outfit was a beer.

In a lame attempt to create petty envy among his fellow leaders, the Vice Presidents’ coat was embroidered with “Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States”. The likely reaction of the attendees was less “Gee, where do I get one of those for myself?” and more “That reminds me of my retarded uncle. We had to put his name on all his clothing or he’d just pick up anything and sling it on. Plus, he really got a kick out of seeing his name on his clothes.”

An anonymous White House spokesman said Cheney's wardrobe was furnished without the use tax dollars by the good folks at Halliburton. Both the president and vice president are considering endorsement deals to wear logo attire, the proceeds would be used to to help reduce the national debt.




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