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Friday, December 24, 2004

TIS THE SEASON 

Tis the season for hypersensitivity and fear of offending the fragile psyche of any number of assorted losers across our land. Those chronically whiny and acrimonius knuckleheads demanding individuals, companies and institutions enforce "neutral" language in exchange for "Christmas" remind me of Mencken's definition of Puritanism: "The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy."

So Merry Christmas to all of you who are offended by the words, Merry Christmas. Joyeux Noel and Feliz Navidad. May your Christmas be filled with the word Christmas and may your sanctimonius, neurotic, worthless existence be spared a solitary moment of angst by someone embodying the spirit of Christmas.

Now go fuck yourself in Macy's window.




Thursday, December 23, 2004

A DONALD XMAS 

Sung to the tune of " Up on the Rooftop"


Up on the rooftop bang, bang click,
Sounds like Iraqis just shot St. Nick

Santa asked for armor and a Marine escort,
Rummy said “No, If you’re chicken, just abort”

Santa is a trooper, with a sense of duty,
So he loaded up his sleigh and went to kick booty

He swooped into Kabul, Mosul and Kandahar,
Looks like Baghdad was a minaret too far

Now kids in America won’t be getting their gifts,
Just because Rummy doesn’t give a shit

Sunday, December 19, 2004

VARIOUS & SUNDAY 

Who’d a thunk it? The New York Times looks into the motivation for George II’s selection of Bernie Kerik as Homeland Security chief and finds – surprise – a fawning moron who fills our fearless leader’s relentless quest for loyalty over competence.

Lest anyone forgets, President Bush is the same judge of character who in a post 9/11 meeting found Vladimir Putin “trustworthy” by virtue of gazing into his eyes. This helps make some sense of last weeks awarding of the National Medal of Freedom to the highly unaccomplished trio of toadies George Tenet, Paul Bremer and Tommy Franks. Expect future Bush recipients to include Ken Lay, Donald Trump and the Pentagon official responsible for procuring armor for vehicles used in Iraq.

Now that Scott Peterson’s fate is has been settled, (an interminable series of appeals that should keep him alive until natural causes - or more likely - a homicidal con looking for some "respect" saves the state some cash) Larry King must be jumping for joy over the murder and infant vivisection in Missouri. The lurid nature of this crime should be good for two shows a week for at least six weeks and provide plenty of face time for Larry’s stable of TV psychologists, prosecutors and defense attorneys. And of course, there will be any number of friends and relatives of the deceased who will lay aside their grief long enough to muster the “courage” to tell Larry the true story of their beloved and the requisite acquaintences of the accused who will "swear we thought there was sumpin' just not right 'bout her".

Can someone explain to me the appeal of Adam Sandler? The guy has worn a Moe Howard haircut and Francis the Talking Mule expression forever and continues to make the same movie over and over and over. Is it because people relate to this guy? Is he the George Bush of cinema?

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