Thursday, August 12, 2004


Executive Producer, Tom Ridge, told reporters on Wednesday that he doesn't expect to see any new episodes of "Catch Al Queda, Now- But Not Before Sweeps" shot at the Mansfield Dam near Austin, Texas; the MARTA transit system in Atlanta, Georgia; the Downtown Transit Center and Downtown Metro Trolley in Houston, Texas; the Bank of America headquarters in Charlotte, N.C.; or using trolley cars in Dallas, Texas, and New Orleans, Louisiana.

Despite the apprehension of a Pakistani national who had video taped the locations above (and was found to be in violation of immigration statutes) Ridge said that "There is nothing we know now today that suggest the tapes are casings of particular communities. ..."

Kamran Shaikh, who also goes by the name of Kamran Akhtar, was arrested on July 20 after a Charlotte police officer saw him taking video of prominent buildings. No word yet whether he was enrolled in flight school or had scheduled a course in nuclear fission at the University of North Carolina.

Ridge did say that efforts would continue to locate the nose on his face.

Monday, August 09, 2004



The number one hit of the fall television season will be the groundbreaking reality series, “Catch Al Queda, Now - But Not Before Sweeps”. This unprecedented collaboration between Federal, State and Local officials and every TV network and cable outlet within reach of a remote - as well as newspapers and magazines - is sure to be the most watched, most closely followed dramatic series of the fall. Thought you couldn’t survive the end of ‘Friends’? Try living under the prospective enemy onslaught of CALQNBNBS.

Combining the gritty realism of such hits as ‘Law and Order’ with the gritty reality of real terrorists, real bombs and the perpetual threat of a lot of real dead people, Executive Producer Tom Ridge, the Secretary of Homeland Security along with a host of elected and appointed public officials, has succeeded in doing what Stephen King could not: create a daily horror series the public can’t ignore.

Finally, there exists a vehicle that has thoroughly blurred the lines between news and entertainment; CALQNBNBS, is guaranteed to glue American’s to their couches for weeks, months, maybe even years to come.

Unlike any previous attempt at reality entertainment, the producers of CALQNBNBShaven’t a clue what will happen from day to day. Events unfold as they actually happen and media outlets compete to be first to break the latest development. Newsweek and Time magazines have been swift to adapt to the concept, this week featuring stories on Al Queda activity sure to build excitement and tension for anticipated future episodes.

The series got an early jump on the competition with a late July debut. In the opening episode, New York City’s Mayor and Police Commissioner hold a press conference to inform citizens that numerous New York City locations have been targeted for attack by the notorious Islamic terrorist group, Al Queda. Led by the charismatic son of a Saudi billionaire who goes by the the ominous name of Osama Bin Laden, this nihilistic organization has previously destroyed several prominent NYC structures and attacked the Pentagon in a daring plot known as “9/11”.

The audience is reassured by the two public officials that all possible efforts are being made to ensure civic safety and that New Yorker’s should go about their daily business and try to forget that everyone and just about every place in the city is a target.

CALQNBNBS is not scheduled to air at any particular time. It will be shown when either the government, Al Queda or news media decides it's in their best interest.

Sunday, August 08, 2004


Rick James surrendered his funky mortal coil this week. Jeri-Curl immediately filed Chapter 11 and the music world called for a week long moratorium on 'bitch-slapping" as a tribute to the reknowned woman beater who died as a result of "existing medical conditions". That's a fairly tame euphemistic phrase to describe a cocaine perforated heart that probably leaked more blood than it pumped.

Ricky Williams, a star running back for the Miami Dolphins, became a former star running back when he retired last week. He apparently flunked a league imposed drug test and was set to be suspended. Williams looked over his options and determined that with $10,000,000 in the bank and a love of the bud the NFL wasn't going to tolerate, he'd just as soon hang up his cleats and forego the brutal punishment delivered to his body over the course of a 16 game season.

Some mallet headed sports writers have lamented the effects of marijuana on William's career and typed out the typical sanctimonious drivel about role models, impressionable young men and how William's "habit" failed his team and the public.

Of course, these writers don't have to absorb the pounding a professional running back takes every Sunday and the occasional Monday night. The scribes don't crawl out of bed the next day with welts and bruises, scrapes, sore ribs and a buzzing sound in their ears. Nor do they have their life expectancy reduced as a result of the thousands of high speed collisions they sustain over a career.

I suspect Ricky came to the conclusion that if the NFL wasn't going to look the other way because he was toking a little weed, he wasn' t willing to go through another season of pain without his preferred analgesic. The hypocrisy of the sport is remarkable: it advocates shooting up men with painkillers so they can play the game, but if the battered athlete uses anything other than booze in his pain racked off hours, he must be pay the price for unsanctioned drug use.

Williams said 'fuck that'. Take the money and run, just don't get hit.

The Ultimate Low Carb Dish can be found at all the hot Ukraninan restaurants. We could have saved a lot of cash and trouble in the Cold War if we'd known this was all they really wanted.

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