Friday, June 11, 2004


Somebody should check Reagan’s casket because I’m not buying the idea that the body inside is his. After watching the Republican hagiographers in full canonization mode over the last week, and observing the administration’s news handlers furiously spinning a connection between their falling star and the selectively adoring memories of the “Great Communicator”, I’m willing to bet the 40th president will be showing up in New York City at the Republican National convention in late summer. If that’s the case, then Reagan’s body is probably sharing freezer space with Ted Williams at Alcor’s Cryonics facility in Arizona and there are a couple of cases of jelly beans lying in repose.

George II understands he has Ronald Reagan right where he can be most useful to his campaign; thoroughly idealized and incapable of responding to any exaggerated claims of political inheritance. Bush 43 could cite Reagan passage and verse from now until November and who is going to call his bloviation besides John Kerry? Nancy Reagan might, but she’d be spun by Rove and Company as a grieving widow, aging not so gracefully and in the clutches of her astrologer’s spell.

So it’s not so far fetched that Reagan might make an appearance this August as the Bush campaign becomes increasingly desperate to hold on to the presidency. Imagine Bush paying homage to the memory of Reagan, reciting a laundry list of favorite Reaganisms to a frenzied crowd of neo-cons, Reaganites and paid cheerleaders plucked off the unemployment line for $50 a day. Suddenly, from behind the president, a rider appears, stapled to his saddle a top a flashing steed. Doing his best acting job since leaving office, Reagan makes one more glorious ride in death, like El Cid charging the Moors ( the Islamic Fanatics of the eleventh century), to rally the true believers to the cause. The horse stops at the podium, whirls and rears once, then gallops off to the cheers of the faithful, anxious that their taxes will go up, and Haliburton shares down, if George II isn’t re-elected.

This image of St. Ron and his heir, St. George II, will be burned into the conciousness of the electorate by way of a $100 million TV campaign. From September to Novemeber, the same flesh-laden flip-flopped, halter-topped, demographic that waited hours in miserable heat to glimpse the sarcophagus of a man who cared nothing for their ilk, will be brainwashed and spun dry at their electronic altar of information.

'Death Valley Days' is back. Check the casket.

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