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Saturday, February 07, 2004

VARIOUS AND SATURDAY 

All You Need to Know About the NFL

A simulated sexual assault and removing a piece of a woman's bustier is acceptable halftime entertainment if the breast remains covered. If the breast is exposed, then the performers and producers of the show are declared moral reprobates and the NFL continues the charade that it's the Lawrence Welk Show in helmets and pads.

If a tit pops out it's evil; it a guy's head were to pop off on a safety blitz, they'd replay the damn thing so many times that John Madden's telestrator would malfunction.


Homo, Homo on the Range, Where the Queer Deer and the Buffalo.....

More and more scientific evidence points to widespread homosexual behavior in the animal kingdom. Before you know it, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Senator Rick Santorum et al, will be declaring public zoos to be dens of iniquity and calling for heterosexual only penguin pools.

According to Santorum, keeping the world populated with humans is what marriage is really all about and the Defense of Marriage Act is critical to that end because legitimizing homosexual unions might bring human copulation to a not so grinding halt.

Rick, I've got some advice for you, talk to the animals. They aren't "protected" by a Defense of Marriage Act. Nonetheless, they continue to perpetuate their respective species without a hitch.


Arnie Does the Right Thing, Politicians Everywhere in Panic

Governor changes mind, reverses decision---man bites dog, pigs fly, Bush thinks, Kerry inspires, Dean takes his meds....

He continues to surprise by way of smart policy choices and being able to reverse course when warranted. Schwarzenegger is a supremely condfident leader. Please take notes Sen Kerry, Sen Edwards.

The ACC Gets Its First Taste of Miami Football

The Atlantic Coast Conference can look with pride to its big catch in the BCS sweepstakes. Looks like Miami failed to uncover that its number one football recruit has been arrested 10 times since 1999, is on probation for a felony burglary conviction and has complaints sworn against him that could land him in prison.

Nice to see that changing conferences has elevated Miami's concept of a student athlete to one who commits his crimes prior to enrollment.

Headline Hell

Gee, I'm amazed she survived the first head removal. And who chose the MDs? The story says that they're from Mattel Hospital. What do they practice on, two-headed Barbies?





Monday, February 02, 2004

MEET THE OTHER SIDE 

Hey, you! Over here! No, not there, over here!!


Jeez, it’s never been this hard to get attention!


Look, I was told from the very beginning I'd get equal billing at the Super Bowl just like every other gig we do. And now, it should be obvious I'm the one who's really been ripped off. Since when did I become “the other breast”?


We’re a team dammit. We’ve been together since Janet hit puberty and now, suddenly, little Miss Right Side decides to go it alone?


You know what? I'll tell you what. She's just another mammary gland without me, that's what; just another gold digging bra stuffing that would do anything for some extra exposure. Think you’re gonna get away with this stunt? Huh!! Just try making it without me, baby. Solo acts don’t last long in this business.


Do you know how many times I've been crammed into an undersized bustier next to that neurotic ingrate? Did I ever complain? Did I ever ask for special treatment? Nooooooo!!!


And why? Because I'm a professional, that's why. And I’ve been carrying her for years.


Let’s keep it real, I mean how insecure can you get? Why else would she be wearing a nipple ring that size, huh?


Me? I don't need no stinking nipple rings. Are you kidding? I'm not ashamed of who I am. Look! See?


So tell me, just tell me, why did Timberfoot...or Lumberlake ...or whatever his name is, have to lunge and grab for her when I was there for the taking? Better yet, why not pop the top on both of us? You know why. Yeah, someone put the fix in and I know who.


Wait 'till my lawyers get through with this tart. I've got a contract and I'm not sucking up to anybody.


Next time out, I'm the headlighter, uh, ... I mean headliner.


Bitch.


Sunday, February 01, 2004

MARIAN the LIBRARIAN WINS A 'JOE" 

Nat Hentoff details the unconscionable cowardice of the American Library Association's governing council.

A courageous council member introduced an amendment calling for Fidel Castro to release 10 librarians and a number of journalists and humans rights workers imprisoned in Fidel's 2003 springtime purge. Slam dunk for a group promoting freedom of expression, right? Hardly.

Apparently the overwhelming majority of the council membership was too busy being politically correct to vote for a correction of a political injustice.

Hentoff renounces the ALA honor he was previously awarded. In a delicious bit of irony he asks to have any institutional memory of his award expunged from the ALA's records. I doubt many members of the council are aware of Stalin's proclivity to use the airbrush on photos of party officials with whom he had 'deleted' from history..


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