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Thursday, January 01, 2004

LUCKY THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN 

I woke up this morning with the kind of hangover that comes from tossing all night in the throes of unresolved nightmares. It’s hard to believe that your subconscious can riot on you all night long, (No more oatmeal raisin cookie at 9:00?) but that seems to be what happened. If I didn't know better, I swear I dreamed an entire years worth of horrors in one night:

A Republican administration created the largest budget deficit in US history. The single idea all the wise men could com up with to jumpstart an economy which had lost 3 million paychecks over 3 years, was a tax cut that everybody in the Bush Cabinet could agree would fatten their wallets at year end.

A physician/politician from Vermont ran for President. Like all good MDs he shouted, raged and pouted at those who disagreed with him or questioned his qualifications, reminding anyone who would listen that the MD after his name was proof positive of his intellectual and moral superiority. In an affectation that was intended to evoke a populist pugilst spirit, the good doctor rolled up his sleeves at every campaign stop, causing males in the audience to pucker up or run for the nearest door.

Congress, in a typically courageous act of self serving piffle, changed the Capitol cafeteria menu to read 'Freedom Fries' in lieu of French Fries. After France tied to scuttle our foreign policy objectives in Iraq and began firebombing stongholds of our superior fast food industry, Congress took quick and decisive action including changing the cuffs on their shirts to Freedom Cuffs and giving every horny teenager a reason to BS their girlfriends into an extended act of patriotism.

North Korea threatened war if the US imposed economic sanctions to halt Kim Jong Il’s nuclear weapons program. The North Korean despot was insistent that without Daffy Duck cartoons and hard core porn he might become irrational.

Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-Pennsylvania) led the far-right charge against a Supreme Court decision that held the government has no business in your bedroom, my bedroom or anyone else's bedroom when it comes to consensual activity. Santorum, father of six and self appointed moral arbiter for the Funny-Mentalist Christian wing of his party, was considering an addition to Patriot Act II making the missionary position the official national sex act.

Madonna and Britney had an unrehearsed, unscripted, unplotted, and uncalculated for publicity purposes kiss in the middle of one of the 743 music/film/tv/sports/awards created to give eligible voters one more reason to take their political cues from celebrities.

The Cubs AND the Red Sox almost made it to the same World Series. In the seventh game of each teams playoff series, fate and stupidity intervened to right the course of the universe and keep the prognostications of the "Holy Book of Long Suffering Sports Franchises, Who if They Ever Win, Will Set Off Events Leading to the Final Days of Man" from being realized.

The president of the US served Thanksgiving dinner to troops stationed in Iraq, of all places. The millions of unemployed Americans who watched their jobs vanish over the past 3 years were encouraged to visualize a turkey dinner like the one George II was photographed carrying about the camp mess.

Saddam Hussein overthrown by an American invasion, he was eventually found disguised as a Santa Monica tourist attraction in a hole he had dug for himself. It was believed that Saddam was preparing to escape to that coastal California city where he might have gone undiscovered for years.

Wall Street and corporate crooks received relatively small fines and minimum sentences for crimes that took billions from investors. Poor folk (those not represented by $500/hour defense lawyers and not sharing a country club membership with the judge) caught stealing a $2.99 six-pack of beer were sentenced to maximum time, and in the case of three strikes laws, sent off to prison for life. Their children, however, were allowed to take a front row seat in the campaign in Iraq to help keep vacation homes in Long Island and Aspen free from Al Queda attacks and Chardonney shortages.


Gray Davis almost got to finish his second term and succeed in selling the state's youthful enthusiasm to a key campaign contributor. However,Arnold Schwarzenegger saved Caleefornia by admitting on one hand that he did inhale while losing total recall over some of the more embarrassing moments of his past.

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