Saturday, December 20, 2003


Sorry, our apologies, really. Californians know you count on us to keep a steady flow of the absurd, the surreal and the ridiculous directed onto your TV screens, but ever since Arnold was elected, the best we can do is revisit the sordid habits of a 45 year old man-child who escapes from reality by continually undergoing plastic surgery in order to look nothing like nature had intended.

The deafening silence you hear coming from the our state is the sound of a media no longer in full pitch with pronounced concerns over how a former bodybuilder and movie star is a horrible choice run the largest state in the union. Why, he has no experience in government!!! (Key clue for those who equate longevity in government with success: the causal relationship between experience and effectiveness died with LBJ).

Interestingly enough, what Schwarzenegger has injected into California politics is the quality in political life that has been MIA for some time: leadership.

Like him or not, Arnold has unsettled into the role of governor, and as promised, is actively using his power and popularity to lead. This is particularly upsetting to many politicians, lobbyists and partisan ideologues in both parties who had become accustomed to a governor’s office that collected tributes and dispensed largesse in order to guarantee its occupant another four years of the same. Life in Sacramento was a typically a bureaucratic routine consisting of raising enough cash to gain an audience with the emperor, then waiting for his highness to push across some piece of legislation that benefited the donor. The political and financial well being of the state as a whole was consistently relegated to an afterthought and treated with all the urgency of a patient scheduling a combined colonoscopy and gum scraping.

By repealing the Davis sponsored bills giving driver’s licenses to undocumented immigrants and increasing car registration fees, Arnold has already shown a more of an inclination to leadership than Davis did in all of his tenure. With a bi-partisan compact on balancing the budget, he showed that he could alter his initial course and find a compromise within the legislature. And Thursday, he decided to make his boldest move to date, declaring a fiscal emergency when gridlock developed over replacing the funding to cities that had been.

In his short reign, the Governator has taken the initiative, shown he would and could work with the legislature and demonstrated that he was willing to take drastic measures if the assembly ground down into inertia.

You may not agree with him, but Arnold is delivering the kind of energy and committment into the fiscal crisis than his all too experienced predecessor reserved for fund raising.

Sorry that we don’t have anything more entertaining to report. You might want to try one of our movies instead.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003


The past week provided its fair share of major stories that help remind us that it's not entirely Michael Jackson's world, but it's getting there.

Howard Dean gets an endorsement from the guy who couldn't keep the White House for the Democrats; is Al Gore's endorsement something a candidate yearns for, or prays silently that it's bestowed on one's closest competitor? Gore seems to me to be the creepy guy you always needed in order to fill out a four-on- four game of hoop, but once the action was over, you hoped he'd just go away and not ask to hang out afterward-especially after he double-dribbles the ball away with the score tied at 9-9.

Dean reminds me of every know-it-all, "I'm a f.....g doctor, by God!!" who is so insecure he has to remind himself that he went to medical school. Given that the stats in this link point out that physicians are the most likely occupational group to cause injury or death, Howard doesn't seem so benign anymore.

Saddam is now being plied with lab rat doses of sodium penathol and made to sit for hours on a metal chair built for a third grader. He's going to give up plenty of information, but one wonders whether that information will be of real value at this late date in the proceedings. Seriously, does anyone care if Jacques Chirac, Gerhard Schroeder and Vladimir Putin prefer Turkish hookers or Armenian hookers?; dollars in large denominations or small ones?; backrubs or footrubs?

Perhaps the story that sums up the week in human cruelty is one from Norway informing us that Keiko the Killer Whale not only passed away, but at the request of his handlers was buried in a snow covered pasture. Apparently Keiko was not consulted about his funeral arrangements nor had he specified a final resting place in his will. Thus, his final send off was decided by a group of humans, the same species that had exploited the animal nearly to death on countless occassions.

Coming full circle on the week that was, let's all pray that this individual hasn't passed his genetic material to another generation.

Monday, December 15, 2003


NEW YORK CITY - December 15, 2003

Bravo is pleased to announce that Saddam Hussein, former dictator and tyrant of the Republic of Iraq, has agreed to be a celebrity guest on Bravo's smash hit, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". Mr. Hussein, a 36 year veteran of corruption, genocide, homicide and other aberrant behavior, has agreed to appear on an upcoming installment of Bravo's critically acclaimed reality series.

"Mr. Hussein was in total agreement that his recent lifestyle had led to some, shall we say, degenerative habits that could use some sprucing up" said Queer Eye Fab Five member, Kyan. "That beard is just frightening and the hair thing has got to go and fast."

Thom Douglas, "Queer Eye's" design guru, was anxious and enthused about the possibilities, "You know, looking at that rat's nest of a kitchen where he was living inspires me. It has a terrific foundation for a rustic, Tuscan minimalist theme. I mean, even former tyrants should have a place where cooking is enjoyable and where you can invite one or two people over without scaring the daylights out of them!!!"

Mr. Hussein's agent, a Mr. Chirac of the Parisian talent group, "Les Agents de Criminals", said that both he approached Mr. Hussein with the idea that a good makeover and time spent with gay men should help soften his image before his trial begins. "Saddam was tres enthusiastic about the possibilities, and so are we. It's the perfect way to restart his career-once they found out about the "Queer Eye" episode, the folks at "Survivor" jumped at the chance to sign up Saddam for their next series, 'Escape from Devil's Island'. We already had signed on several LAC clients, Slobodan Milosevic and Robert Mugambe, and adding Saddam was a natural".

Bravo will air the Saddam episode immediately following this year's Super Bowl.

Sunday, December 14, 2003


Heartfelt congratulations to all the Iraqi refugees in the United States!!!

The capture of Saddam Hussein must be a wonderous moment for those of you who fled his torturous, homicidal and in some cases, genocidal regime. Now that the Big Baath Wolf has been shackled and is himself being tortured with three square meals provided daily by the US military, you must rushing to pack up your bags, belongings and life here in America and making a bee line to the nearest airport for a joyous ride home!!!

We wish you well as you make your way back to the country you spoke so admiringly of, the land you tearingly and incessantly told us you longed to embrace in all of its wonders. Don't forget to pack enough underwear, AA batteries and toothpaste, you'll probably find them in scarce supply for now. But we are all confident that you can take the skills, attitude and dollars you garnered here back to Iraq and rebuild that country so dear, and now near, to your heart. I bet you can't wait to get going!

What's that? Huh? You don't want to go? You like it here?

Don't worry, with satellite dishes you can still get FOX News, The Man Show, ESPN and you'll get there in plenty of time for "Bachelorette: The Divorce Special". You won't have to worry about the wife because the clerics, Sunni, Shiite or otherwise,will probably ban women from watching TV, showing their face in public and that should keep household expenses down. Sorry we can't help you with that one.

It's safer here? You have a better life here?

Look, if we can limit our celebratory gunfire to small, rundown inner city areas, so can you.

No my friends, that's not cricket. Read your brochure.

You see, we have a long line waiting to get in to this hotel and quite frankly, we are running out of space. In order for us to let in the next group of refugees fleeing some rabid, bloodthirsty tyrant , we have to make some room. That's where you come in. We reserved your room until Saddam was out of the picture. He is now, officially, an ex-tyrant. It's festival seating back in the beloved country of your birth!!!! That land so spoke so fondly of, you have it all to yourself !!! (Well, you and your 25 million other close friends and acquaintences.)

So, make room for the next guests, we'll send the bellman up for your bags. Thanks for staying with us!! If you ever want to come back for a quick visit, we'd love to see you.


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