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Thursday, September 18, 2003

I FEEL SAFER, ALREADY, SORT OF 

While watching Monday Night Football, ABC battered my conciousness with reminders that its new series Threat Matrix, would be making its debut later in the week. If my memory is intact after a 4 hour game, Threat Matrix was given as many promos as the Giants and Cowboys had pass plays. The real threat was that my foot and the screen might meet in the war on senseless self promotion.

If I understand the basic premise, written for the comprehension level of the general public or a 4 year old child, (and as Groucho once remarked, "I can't make heads or tales of it, someone get me a 4 year old child") ABC tells us over and over that Threat Matrix is a series about "the team that keeps America safe." I didn't count all the actors involved but it appeared to be in the range of 7 to 8 people, all good looking, all physically fit and and with standard issue Hollywood haircuts and dressed in Dolce Gabbana. Given the number of threats that currently exist against the US, Al Queda, Saddam (still missing with plenty of cash on hand!!), North Korea and Kim Jong-Ilooney Toon, Syria, Iran, Dr. Evil, Kaos and France, eight people from the Ford Modeling Agency seems to be less than sufficient to handle it all. Who shorted America on manpower for this mission, Rumsfeld?

I noticed there didn't seem to be any fat-ass desk jockeys behind computers, poorly dressed career operatives with coffee stains on their ties or matronly tough broads like Judy Dench as M. The plan must be that we are going to co-opt the enemy with offers of an apartment in West La, a new designer wardrobe, a BMW convertible and a job as an assistant casting director at MGM. This should work perfectly, especially on the religous zealots looking for an eternity of virgins in exchange for their services.

I expect that in a nation where two weeks ago 70% of those polled still believed that Iraq had a hand in the events of 9/11, Americans will be comforted knowing that ABC is keeping our shopping malls free from terrorist activity and our grocery stores stocked with People, US, Glamour, Cosmo and other important sources of information that keep democracy robust.

Threat Matrix will probably be a hit for ABC, until of course a real terror attack hits the US. Then the viewing public will lose interest and switch back over to something more reliable, like the last season of Friends.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

IMAGINING THE POSSIBILITES IN RECALL HEAVEN 

Now that the 9th Court in San Francisco has ruled that ballot methods previously proven to muck up an election are a violation of the equal protection clause of the constitution, we can pause to give the Official Sample Ballot of 135 hopefuls a just reading. This election doesn't offer a choice for Lt. Gov, but since a 'yes' on the recall of Gov. Davis and a 'yes' to Lt. Gov. Bustamante would create a vacancy in the states number two slot, let's examine the entire scope of candidates for who would make the best twosome to run the state.

The names and professions that follow are real, or as real as it gets out here.

Kurt E."Tachizake" Rightmeyer lists his profession as "Middleweight Sumo Wrestler", a perfect qualification for strong-arming a reluctant State Assembly into reasonableness. As Mr Rightmeyers's Lt Gov., I nominate Ivan A. Hall, "Custom Denture Manufacturer". While 'Tachizake' is manhandling the Assembly, Mr. Hall can mend fences by replacing any molars that the Gov inadvertently dislodges in the course of his duties.


Candidate Robert C. Newman II will bring to Sacramento his professional experience as a "Psychologist/Farmer". Ronald Jason Palmeiri is a "Gay Rights Attorney". This dynamic combination would provide critical insights into why there is a dearth of Gay farmers engaged in California's $30 billion agriculture industry.

Why do Gays eschew farming?:
Is it genetic? Behavioral? Biblical?

How could more Gays in farming bring an uplifting aesthetic to the business?:
John Deere tractors in seasonal colors? Harvest theme parties?

If bringing business into the state is key, how could we go wrong with this pairing; Paul "Chip" Mailander, "Golf Professional", and Angelyne, "Entertainer"?
Chip plays 18 holes with the business rajas during the day, and Angelyne keeps their attention by night? California would drain every other state in the nation of their corporate tax base and raise enough money to provide free driving education for every illegal immigrant in the state.

From the confusing names department we have Edward Kennedy, "Businessman & Educator" and Richard Simmons, "Attorney & Businessman". Voters might be mislead into thinking that Sacramento will be 'Sweating to the Oldies" while drinking Jameson's neat.

Finally, one particular candidate combo seems to trump all others for entertainment value and the use of double entendres and euphemisms. Mary Carey, "Adult Film Actress" and her prospective running mate, William "Bill Chambers", "Retired Meat Packer".

We are $38 billion in debt so you'll have to bring your own ten foot poles to that party.




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