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Saturday, August 09, 2003

VARIOUS & SUNDRY 

The right wing malletheads who nominated Bill Simon to run against Gray Davis are already hard at work to sabotage Arnold's campaign. The mentally constipated idealogues, who won't tolerate any viewpoint that invokes individual rights to privacy and sexuality, are incapable of compromise and would rather see their diametrical opposites in office than a 'hybrid' from their own party. Their major theme is 'He's no Reagan". So what, for Chrissakes? Poor old Ronald doesn't even know he used to the president and has to be spoon fed and bathed by nurses. Move on, jackass - or at least move to South Carolina.


The Bush Administration has pardoned any future criminal activity associated with Iraqi oil development. Executive Order 13303 gives carte blanche to all companies involved in any aspect of procuring Iraqi oil. By reducing their dependence on in-house legal and outside counsel, this should translate into a $.25 a gallon increase at the pump and the need for the PR department to come up with some other ridiculous rationale for price increases.

The NBA has asked the Bush administration to issue an executive order that immunizes its players from prosecution on charges of sexual assault, battery, gun possession and drug use. Citing the leagues successful program to help take the burden off the overcrowded prison system, a spokesperson for the Commissioner unveiled this years marketing slogan, "Slam Dunks without the Slammer!!"

In St. Louis this week, a dog survived the rigors of the city's gas chamber for unwanted pets. The animal emerged unscathed while his fellow inmates were whisked away to doggie heaven. Someone, please notify Keith Richards that he left his pet in St. Louis.


John (The Crisco Kid) Ashcroft has ordered DOJ attorneys to track cases where the sentence imposed is less than that recommended by federal guidelines. The memo sent by Ashcroft refers to such cases as instances of "downward departure"; A surfire example of what Orwell referred to as "vagueness and sheer incompetance" in political writing. Actually, coming from an evangelical, that phrase makes sense given everyone but the true believers are damned.

Pretty quite here in Soddom and Gomorrah. It's August and all the publicity agents are on vacation before school starts back up. Therefore, no pathetic has-been is trying to revive their career by screwing his best friends wife; no talentless waif is dishing on the size of her ex-lovers manhood and her fondness for tantric, aerobic, yoga kickboxing. The summer blockbuster season is over so we are all spared the onslaught of media hype about people who are as clueless about reality and given their double digit IQs, as lucky to be alive as Keith Richards dog.

And that is why we have...... a recall.




Thursday, August 07, 2003

WHERE'S NORTHERN CALIFORNIA IN THIS MESS? 

Has anyone noticed that the recall election is all about Southern California?

To begin with, the guy sweating political career bullets is from SOCAL. This whole effort started in San Diego but that’s no surprise. The hospitals there tattoo an elephant on your ass before they bother to cut the umbilical cord.

And any candidate of consequence (with two days remaining to sign on) is from SOCAL


Is it because SOCAL is so overwhelmingly Republican and the Democrats have, up to now, stayed away from challenging the governor? Or is there an electric fence somewhere north of the 39th Parallel that limits many NORCAL politicians from straying too far from home?

The sole hope of the Democrats, Senator Feinstein, has declined to strap on goggles and a swimsuit (there’s a picture for you). DiFi has been around long enough to know when the water is too cold or the pool too crowded. But with her goes the only representation of any weight coming from Northern California. Sure, Leon Panetta has volunteered to fall on his plastic sword and defend the honor of the Democrats. But who truly believes that Leon is going to stir any electoral emotions? The name Leon Panetta on a ballot triggers just one thought, lunch.

One reason that comes to mind is that the majority of politicians who hold office in the Bay Area (Feinstein and Senator Boxer excluded) are victims of their success; a success which is based on an appeal to a narrow base. To get elected in the Bay Area requires either a level of eccentricity that won’t float elsewhere (Jerry Brown had his shot in Sacramento) or strangleholds on both local liberal guilt and a tight political machine that won’t translate across a wider electorate (Willie Brown).


Outside Oakland and SF, there are no centers of affluence or influence that can produce a potential leader with statewide appeal. Silicon Valley wants nothing to do with politics other than to support policies favorable to making money via smoke, mirrors and an occasional product of some merit that acts as an amnesiac against the smoke and mirrors.

Being the elected champion of women in comfortable shoes, or men in tights, or the pocket protector crowd is fine, if that’s your neighborhood. But it’s a mighty small neighborhood when your state is California.

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

SEND IN THE CLOWNS, FREAKS, SINGLE CELLED ORGANISMS 

With Arnold taking the plunge, our pool party just got more interesting. And of course, the keep coming out of wherever curiosities dwell to take advantage of the low thresh-hold of financial pain required to file for the recall election. With a Greek immigrant, an Austrian immigrant and a Martian immigrant all signed up and ready for action, who knows what else will be announcing between now and Saturday.

Musicians and singers are currently under represented in the mix. Barry White might have been an interesting choice and could have captured the lonely female vote. Too bad, he's hard at work decomposing. David Crosby could run on a platform of organ transplants for junkies and sperm for lesbian mommies. That would sew up Hollywood.

By the way, Barbra Streisand seems to have lost her voice on this whole issue. She has plenty to say about national politics but apparently doesn't give a crap about her own backyard. She must hate Gray Davis as much as everyone else does otherwise, she'd be blubbering about right wing conspiracies and holding fund raisers.

Notice how the host of this party has been relegated to the dark corners of media coverage? Darrell Issa spent millions of his own cash to get this thing going and he might as well be Jay Gatsby giving another soiree at West Egg; no one's seen him and many people have no idea who he is. I'll guess he thought he'd be a hero and that the state would line up behind him to do the Recall Conga. Whoops.

It is curious to watch the 'establishment' wiggle and squirm while this unfolds. The level of populism that has emerged is frightening the politicians and the media because it threatens their cozy relationships. The pols are more threatenened than the media; it has always been a marriage of convenience as far as latter is concerned. As soon as the cute new thing hits the dancefloor, the cameras, microphones and scribes will dump their dates like smelly Pampers.

I'm ordering extra pool chairs and sun screen.





Tuesday, August 05, 2003

MORE CALI RECALL FUN 

It hasn’t been much more than a week since the California Supreme Court gave its ‘everybody in the pool’ ruling for an October 7th recall election. Anyone with $3,500 and several dozen signatures can play in the deep end. If you raise 10,000 autographs you can waive the $3,500 fee and save the money for drinks and pool toys.

Larry Flynt has declared, so has Angelyne, the iconic/ironic LA symbol of celebrity for celebrity’s sake. If Flynt wins, will California’s state flag see the Golden Bear removed in favor of a river dwelling mammal known for building dams? Angelyne will run on a campaign promise of billboards for everyone and state assisted publicists.


Saturday August 8th is the final day to sign on to what has to be the biggest carnival this side of Rio and the Republicans haven’t offered up a candidate worth writing about. Maybe Saturday we’ll get to see a small circus car unload Bill (Without the trust fund I’d be working at Denny’s) Simon, Mike (Do I get a mulligan?) Riordan, Dan (‘Stay away from the car, I stole it.’) Issa and any other strays they pick up along the way.

Arianna Huffington plans on announcing she is stepping up to the plate at a Wednesday morning news conference. Will she declare as a Democrat? Republican? Sophist? Platonist? Stoic?

Wouldn’t it be amazing if the Republicans blew this opportunity with their inability to field a consensus candidate? Could happen, they nominated Simon once before. Maybe no one has stepped forward yet because they haven’t been able to find a certifiable loser.

Gray Davis has now sought protection in the courts, suing to have the election date moved to March because he claims he should have his name included as a replacement for…..himself. Good move, Gray. If you’re asked to leave the pool because of the warm water all around you, do you really think you’ll get invited back? This guy gets more irritating by the moment. He’s like the kid that always struck-out or flubbed easy plays, yet continued to think everyone liked him. He’d show up at games despite the fact you’d never call to remind him. Everyone would think the coast was clear and here he’d come, running full speed like a giraffe with vertigo, boogers flying out his nose; three guaranteed outs and countless runs scored on errors. “Why coach? Why does Gray have to play?”

The Democrats support for Gray appears to be melting like a snowman in a microwave. When the state’s Democratic Attorney General calls Davis’ last campaign “puke politics”, you can bet there is some serious knife sharpening going on behind Caesar’s back.

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